And The Clock Never Stops

I sit alone in a crowded classroom, watching the clock hands move ever closer to eternity, ever so slowly… It’s eerily silent, only the scratching of pen on paper and soft sighs. No one speaks – they are all absorbed in their work, the way a stalking lioness concentrates only on the deer before her. I alone sit with my mind wandering, flitting restlessly as a butterfly does. I can focus on nothing; nothing seems to be important; nothing else matters.

Little memories flit through my head – sharing phuchkas on the pavement in the middle of a rainy day, laughing over a punishment for some particularly diabolical prank, guitar jamming sessions instead of doing classes, an encouraging smile during a scathing lecture, a shoulder for my warm tears to bury themselves in… Now the tears roll unheard, unseen, unchecked. Those days are all in the past now, and there they will remain. The sooner I realize that, the better.

The clock continues its slow march on. Damn, will the bell never strike? At least it doesn’t stop… just as life never stops. Life moves on inexorably, like the tides. And people must move on, too, unless they want to risk being picked up by the relentless waves and dashed against the rocks. The past is every moment other than the one you’re in right now. I remind myself not to stay stuck in it forever, I can’t live my life on rewind.

Of course things aren’t the same – what did I expect? That I could be caught in that same snapshot of me laughing by the lake, in a freeze-frame for all eternity? The film keeps moving, the actors mouth their lines, and the script plays itself out. I need to break away from the script, I must create my own space. But I know that if I do, I must stand alone. Do I dare losing even the pale shadows who keep me company through the lonely nights?

No one ever won a lottery without buying a ticket first. And all lottery winners live on hope – the hope that someday, someway, things will work out. Things must work out. I can live on faith, until things seem right again. I’ll wait for it until… RING! There goes the clock, at last. The faces look up wearily from the sheets of paper, and a sigh of relief passes through the room like a breeze. It’s time… to move on.